My hopeless garden gave me hope

I haven’t written anything in a long time. Life has been chaos and if I’m being honest, my mind has been too. I’ve started writing a couple posts and haven’t been able to finish them because I either get distracted by a crying child or decide that it sounds dumb, and I don’t know how to finish it.

I recently changed jobs, so we are trying to get it into a new routine. Our whole family has been sick with an ear infection and whatever virus is currently going around. We are making wedding plans with a countdown of just under 100 days to go. We are navigating the normal trials of adulthood and parenthood. And it's been too much.

Everything has been falling through the cracks. Cooking, dishes, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, and especially my garden. It was a whole hot mess.

It's frustrating. I put in the time to research. I had everything planned. I tarped the area. I had my brother bring his tractor and till it. I put up the fence. My mom helped me plant most of it. I tried my best to keep up with it at first.

But two toddlers, both of us working full time, illness, mental health crisis, normal responsibilities, other big projects were a bigger priority, and it was very quickly taken over by weeds. I thought it was done for and just thinking about it made me want to cry. I started avoiding it because I didn't want to be disappointed. You really couldn't see anything besides weeds even with landscape fabric down between all the rows and hills. My plants weren't growing or producing anything. And I'm not even going to go into the bug issue.

I spent a good 4 hours today just weeding and it probably needs about 3 more days' worth. I was still feeling pretty discouraged. Then I got through the weeds and reclaimed my plants (some of them at least), and I found these beautiful little babies growing. Pea pods and a tiny little cantaloupe.

It reminded me that just because I'm not actively working on it, they didn't actually stop growing. It reminded me to trust myself and trust in the process. I put in the work upfront. I set myself up for success as much as I possibly knew how. Just because the weeds started growing didn't mean that my plants disappeared.

I'm applying that to all aspects of my life to keep my sanity tonight.

I have put in the work to build strong friendships. Just because I may be overwhelmed and too busy in my own life right now doesn't mean that those friendships will disappear.

I did a lot of research before I changed jobs and a lot of soul searching as to what the triggers have been for my mental health struggles and what my goals are as far as providing for my family. Just because I'm terrified and overwhelmed with my training doesn't mean it was the wrong decision for me and my family.

I am continuing to love and protect my children fiercely. Just because my previous job was not conducive to providing our kids with a stable, healthy routine and mother, doesn't mean that they love me any less or that I have permanently damaged their psyche (at least I hope not).

I'm not a religious person but if I was this would be the point where I would say that I will continue to trust in God's plan for us. However, I haven't regularly attended church services in over 10 years. So, I will say that I will continue to keep doing my best and keep trusting in myself to do the research, work, and decision making that will lead us to the best life possible for all 4 of us. I will also continue to hope that karma will continue to be on our side. Because above all else, we do our best to be good people, good spouses, and good parents.